Between The Lines Of Feeling And Emotion
by BabyTheImpala
Summary: Story of Jo Harvelle and Kaz Winchester, two girls struggle to overcome the lives and depression they have... mentions of destiel, eventual jo/anna. Full summary inside.
1. Normal morning

FULL SUMMARY; Jo cuts herself. Never too deep, never enough to die. But enough to feel the pain. Enough to get some sort of bloodshed, it was her drug. Kaz cuts to, just like jo. Except she does it for show. She likes the feel of the razor, the look of the blood pooling. The designs... She loves the way she looks with the tiny scars everywhere. The feel of them under her skin. Kaz has friends, and a not so normal roommate whitch shes suprised they even let stay with her. Now they're both at ocean sands; a "residential treatment facility" in South Padre Island, along with teens struggling through the same things. Among others. Jo doesn't want anything to do with any of then, she won't even speak. But she can only stay silent so long.

A/N:okay, first off, these are supernatural characters. Kaz is the impala, personified. For Jesse, wherever you are,i love you. And Amber, thank you for being my friend, through it all. I love you. This is all MINE. The need to write this was although inspired by the book Impulse and the book cut, along with my own experiences. The characters are mostly based from the show supernatural, but other then that the story is from my head.

"They say acting on impulse is a good thing, until it's not. I say different."  
-Kaz Winchester.

I sighed internally, mornings were not my thing. Especially mornings where I have to talk to the doctor... But it was morelike listen, because I won't speak. I havent since I got here. My stomach was still in knots when the escort, Ruby, a pretty dark-haired woman came to walk Me from the cafeteria to her session.

"I'm going to, sit here JoAnna and ask you questions, but it's completely up to you to do the talking." Doctor Masters says leaning forward in her chair. "so, can you tell me how it started.? Remember the beginning.?"

I sat quietly, just looking up at all the things in the room. There sitting on the desk was a picture of her and a balding, slightly pudgy guy who once she had explained when I was looking was her husband, Anthony crowley. A smaller frame of a dark haired kid, with extremely pale skinand dark blue-grey eyes holding up a guitar who couldn't be more then 15, whos name was Jesse. He was a guy who got released here about a month after I came, he died three days later, bullet to the head. He was her nephew. And the reason she became a therapist, after finding out his real mother had pretty much left him and his 5 month old sister by themself every night to score for drugs, and eventually being married to a guy who was as perverted as could come... Who liked 12 year old boys as much as his new drug addled wife. On the shelf to the left she had books about psychology and a picture of her huge black pit bull. On the other was assorted books, everything from the hunger games to harry potter to anne rice smut. And a cd collection of celtic music she used to fill the silence when she needed.

I never talked, so the doctor did, to show me I wasn't alone. This day was different. Doctor Masters just looked down at me, no music, no stories. Nothing. I just pulled at the sleeves of my shirt, scratching through the scabs.

I was there, siting on the couch, scratching for the whole session, up until my lovely escort came to drop me off at group.

Kaz woke up covered in sweat and tangled in her sheets. She struggled to get out then gave up, annoyed. "Jimy.! Help I can't get out." She was weak, and tired. The new meds she had didnt react well, she was still having nightmares, at least she wasn't still hearing people who weren't there. Or having her reflection tell her to shoot herself.

Jimy laughed, helped her untangle herself and hugged her."Kitty, you really need to stop taking the meds if they give you nightmares." Kaz sighed and hugged him back then pulled away. "it stops the voices though. I'd rather have the nightmares." Jimy rolled his eyes and laughed. "touche, well we better get going before we get people mad and they make us move rooms."

See, Jimy and Kaz have been here almost a year. And they were almost done. Kaz and Jimy came in on the same night and they were best friends ever since. The hospital would get in serious trouble if the board knew that doctor masters had a boy and girl in the same room.

But after the 8th week of finding the two in each others rooms-and another week observing their behavior to realize they were nothing but close friends who actually helped each other.-she decided to let them share a room.

"alright, you go get our food, I'm going to shower"kaz said, pulling another plain blue shirt and black cotton shorts out of her drawer. See, at ocean trees they were allowed to wear "normal" things here, as long as it was plain and had nothing sharp or ill fitting. Most girls wore sweats and long tshirts. Especially the ones in here like kaz, who cut. But her, no. She had no shame. especially since she had no new cuts, just scabs and scars.

Jimy nodded and walked out. When kaz caught up with him 20 minutes later she rolled her eyes. "Pancake and sausage dogs again.? What the hell I want some sausage buisquits.!" Jimmy just laughed again. "don't laugh at me calico, its not nice.!" Jimy stopped laughing "alright alright. Wanna go play a game until its time four group.?" Kaz smiled, took her pills drank her orange juice, picked up her sausauge-wrapped in a pancake, said "first one there gets to choose" and ran off. Ignoring ruby yell "no running" jimy still beat her ands they played chess until 9, then ran into group at the last minute.


	2. group and banana pudding

A/N; typically if it doesn't have Kaz's name at the beginning, It's in Jo's point of view, btw.

Group lasts for about an hour, sometimes two if they're feeling chatty. The chairs are arranged in a semi-circle, almost closed now. I sit in the chair closest to the window, furthest from doctor D, who insists we call him Alfred. Hes a kind man who wears clothes from out of a movie... Like james bond.

Next to him is Maria, an almost severely obese girl who has been here for two years... And has lost about a hundred and fifty pounds since getting here and is almost down to 280. Next to her is samantha, a girl who at first glance seems normal. But the more you dwell you see signs of agitation. See, she has anger problems. After her are Tara and Jess who suffer from Anorexia. Tara came here after her parents found her passed out on the floor. Jess came straight from the hospital after having heart surgery. Then theirs Caleb, who has a drinking problem due to something he never admits. Next to him are Kaz and Jimy. They're inseparable both here for cutting Kaz' brother Dean had her commited for screaming into mirror talking to her reflection,i actually knew her, we played together when we were little, before my dad died in hunting accident with hers. Jimy-who's real name is Albert, but after Kaz deemed him after a song by Green Day, everyone called him that- was locked up when he stole his dads car and drove it into a pole. Then its Austin, who swears he can get addicted to any drug out there, Blair who has a mixture of drug, alcohol and suicidal tendencies sits two seats away from me. Noone sits on the other two seats whitch is fine by me.

Everyones quiet when Alfred clears his throat. "Alright, anyone have anything to say about-" the door swung open. "Sorry I'm late, I was... In the restroom." Luke said, walking in and ploppin into the seat beside me. "Well, hello Double S."  
Thats his nickname for me, it stands for super silent. Lukes real name is Lucifer, he got thrown in here for almost  
beating his twin brother Michaels head in after he found out Michael broke his guitar. Guy has anger issues, and once he's mad you cant get him to stop unless you sedate him.

"No problem anyway, as I was saying... How was everyones visitation.?" Alfred says, tapping his foot.

It was quiet, so he went fiist explaining about his weekend with his wife, kids and his visit to the zoo, he even had pictures and everything. Way to go OO7, Jo thought.

Jimy says something about his mom stopping by with his cat and kaz mentions playing table tennis with her brothers and Luke's three siblings that came. I move slightly away from Lucifer. Bad move, apparently because Alfred asks me how mine went, but I just stare at the floor. Then its like hell when Maria speaks up, "Ooh, mine was great. You know, since neither of my parents showed up or bothered to call I spent the day watching harry potter and walking around with samantha after her uncle came and we shared a snickers." samantha blushed. She was quiet through alot of sessions. Mostly because she didnt like talking about being so angry.

"At least they gave you an option, darling. I was locked up in jc-whitch, I code for just criminal, whitch is what we call the padded cells-because I "refused" to eat the disgusting meatloaf." Tara said, jess laughed and they high fived.

"it's not that bad.. I mean at least you get to have food on your plate alot of people dont" Caleb said.

At this point Kaz turned her mp3 player on & everyone heard the soft tones of Led Zeppelin's Stairway To Heaven.

Luke started laughing. "Oh my demons, you're not serious.? Tara, you could literally die any second.. Dont blame the meat loaf's taste. Its not bad. You could always ask for the cake they hide from mrs Debbie two ton."

I just scooted closer to the window, and watched the clouds.

Kaz stood up. "what the fuck Lucifer.?"

"Oh what like noones thinking it.? Tara and Jess aren't the only ones who stare."

"Fucking leave Maria alone, why are you always banking off of everyone else's shit.? At last shes working through her problems, shes doing amazing-kaz threw a smile at her- instead of being like your little minions, just throwing everything back up once they're sure noones in the restroom and swearing they dont really need the help.!"

Tara apparently had enough."and what about you razor queen.? Why dont you ever talk about the reason behind all the pretty designs in your skin.? What momny never give you enough attention-her eyes focus on the cut accross her upper chest between her throat, barely visible-baby."

Kaz opened her mouth but Jimy had covered it with his hand."oh shut the fuck up you stupid cunt. Kaz is fine.! She hasn't cut in almost a week.! At least she doesnt cut to kill herself.!" Kaz put an arm around Jimy and they had a whispered conversation. Then they both hugged me, whitch was extremely akward. Then kaz kissed Maria on the cheek and they walked out.

They were lucky they were already level three or they would be in serous trouble. Theirs three levels in ocean trees. Level ones, are typically new guests... Or ones who exhibit un-appreciated behavior... -Like lucifer and tara now will be.- aren't allowed to go anywhere without someone there, and the rooms are locked at night. They can't have time in any room but library, study hall and the cafeteria. Level two's, are the ones who have proven they can be trusted, can go wherever they please, with just an escort. And have leniency over everything but the group, study hall or sessions with the doctor. Level threes require no escort, and some are actually escorts for the newer kids in our certain non-permanent residents. They get to choose wether to go to group or not. Most do just to show that they are ready to go home. In jo's opinion, level one is easier. But shes a level two. She has been for five months.

kaz and jimmy left to go to the library for books, before going to the gameroom until lunch. Since it was three hours since breakfast, and they spent way more time here, they were released.

Samantha and lucifer went to anger management.

Maria was taken to the excersize room to get on the treadmill and to talk to her trainer, Mark.

Tara and Jess were shipped off to eat a snack then to the tv room, so they werent tempted to join Maria.

Caleb and Blair go to get drug and alcohol tested then out for a short walk.

Austin and Jo get an escort to the gameroom, where jo is handed the remote to the television that had cable and not games, and caleb started playing madden with a guy from another group.

At twelve thirty the bell sounded for lunch and escorts came in to help move groups in line one at a time. typically groups stuck together, except for the 'hard' cases like lucifer. or if someone was having a bad day and wanted to be alone, everyone was excited... Even Tara and jess. It was banana pudding day. Somehow the snack brought them all together. lunch was going as normal as it could be, I was sitting there, quietly snacking on my pudding and occasioally eating my piece of chicken. Kaz, jimy caleb austin sam and debbie were talking, tara was moving food around her plate and eventually dipping her spoon in the pudding and taking small, tentive licks. Jess was doing the same, although she'd taken a bite from her apple. It was all gong well, Until one of the kids from another group, his name was Tom something, yelled food fight. Everyone was subjected to food  
flying, and noone could resist joining...

It resulted in everyone being sent to their rooms to be cleaned than escorted to one on one, gropus or in our case, study hall from one to three. Eventually everyone ends up in study hall, some groups have it first thing... Everyone is required to have a minimum of three hours a day, and has to finish the work assigned to them, if not the have private sessions with a tutor.

I sighed internally study hall, the one place where "silence is golden" here. everyone was working, well trying anyway. from the corner of my eye i saw jimy and kaz passing notes, caleb looking at kaz, while samantha played with her pencil shavings, debbie was eating a snack, the others had their work just splayed out, lucifer was done, but he stayed behing carving something that looked like a pentagram into the desk, he'd been doing it for as long as she remembered, and it was almost done. she sighed when tessa stood up, claiming if they wanted a snack, they should speak up before being escorted to their room.

Jo was escorted to get a snack anyway, she got a snack and a drink both then spent the rest of the day in her room, just like everyone else. Even level three "guests" had to be escorted if they wanted a snack or a new book. that tom guy had his luck cut short if he thought he would get away with this, everyone was at least ticked.


	3. Dreamscape

I woke up with tears running silently down my cheeks and ran out of my room to and then slowed down so noone would know what I'm doing, and headed to the bathroom.

"JoAnna.? What are you doing out of bed it's almost midnight.? Is there something wrong.? Do you need something.?" I heard Ruby ask from sorting meds out behind the desk. I just shook my head and walked inside the very school-like restroom. I checked under the stalls for people, then locked the door, pushed my sleeves up and ran my wrists across the sharp jagged metal of the paper towel dispenser. I could have sighed in relief with the feeling, but I didnt. Because that would mean I would make a noise... Any sound is like giving them power over me and that, just isn't going to work. I felt so much better, like a weight had lifted off of my shoulders See, level ones shared a restroom. Four talls, two sinks and an ever empty trash bin. level twos had restrooms to themselves-whitch is why Ruby was concerned considering Jo was level two-, just a toilet and a sink, papertowels and toiletries passed out to them, they still showered in stalls with level one though. Level threes had progreased to small showers in each room.

I still think level one is easiest, you dont forget things, people always help you through it and remind you what to do.

I could only bask on the feeling for a few minutes, then I was pushed back into reality by Ruby knocking on the door asking if I was okay. Thankfully she hadn't tried the door, so I flushed a toilet, slammed a stall door and pretended to wash my hands as I unlocked the door slowly then pulled my sleeves down, wet my hands, wiped the blood of of the metal, wiped my hands off and walked back to my room in silence, Ruby still asking if I was okay up until I closed the door and got back into bed.

I curled up in bed under the soft white blanket and the blue-green woven blanket my mom brought me. It was the one that laid against the back of my dads recliner, I spent so many nights there after he died, curled up in it remembering him. Just like the dream I had woken up to. I closed my eyes trying to return to it, to see what it really was about. To get another glance at MY father. It was like watching a movie of my life.

*Dad was coming home, finally he had been gone for what felt like months, but truthfully it had only been few weeks. Yet I was happier then a kid on christmas, even though I had only been 11 then, I still she hated mom sad, I hated that dad left for weeks-sometimes even months at a time.-when mom got the call that he was coming home her face lit up, she smiled so big I thought it would stay forever, I wished it would stay forever. Then just as I ran down the stairs I tripped over Ash, Mu adopted brother who was five years older then her but didnt act a day over 10, that is until you handed him a computer, or asked to fix a car. Then he was 16 going on 35. He was a genious, really.

"Owh damn Jo you crushed my walkie talkies.!" Ash said getting up. Then his face went bland when they heard the door close and mom-Ellen, for what it's worth- snap at them both from downstairs "Ashton, you quit cussing now young man.! And as for you Joanna beth you quit running in my house..!" We both walked down the stairs quietly before saying "Yes ma'am" in unison. They-me and Ash- were both seated at the table, Ellen bringing the food to the table and setting it when Bill walked through the door. I jumped up just as the scene changed.

I was 14 at her fathers funeral, tears in my eyes and a short black dress on, with a dark blue sheer coverlet, matching the necklace she had on... I started twirling it in my fingers, singing Angel By aerosmith, the same song here dad sung when he worked outside.

Then it was me, running. At 15, at my soccer game, looking up. Neither Ash nor mom were there, they both had to work. I sighed. And tripped over a rock. The coach called for a time out. Then said something to me about getting My head in the game or going home...

Next thing I knew I was home, peeling off my clothes, and the long sleeved white lace shirt she had on, revealing the shallow cuts accros my wrist, going about halfway up my forearm. Next thing I new I was under the hot water. Then I stepped out, in my my little pony pajama shorts and another long sleeve shirt, a purple abercrombie one I refused to wear our of the house, but it was warm and I felt comfortable in the soft heat against the cool of my legs. Then I walked to the kitchen, snagged an apple, and a tiny fillet knife. I bit the apple a few times, pushed my sleeves up and cut across my wrist a few times. Adding to the five or six marks on each wrist. Then I went to the kitchen, washed the knife threw the half eaten apple away and went to my room to drown in Alkaline Trios soft-and then-not music until mom came home.

Then it changed again, almost four months ago, and I'm was at school. In the bathroom, crying through my mascara. I ran home, ignoring the last four classes. I ran until I was in my room, clutching my chest gasping for air. I closed my eyes calmed down,walked to my old cd player and turned on Avenged Sevenfold's Dear God, turning it up not worrying about anyone being mad, -Ash would probably not even realize I was home- and walked to the dresser.

Under a false botton I had, I pulled out a blade I snagged from the extras Ash had in his "workshop" -whitch was their basement-it held a large room, whitch he had piles of stuff scattered around, a bathroom and his room in the corner. It was so cluttered he never expected me to ever go in there.- I closed my eyes and wrapped a hand around the cool metal, before opening them and running the blade along a piece of paper leaning off the dresser, it split without any resistance, then I ran it along my old girl scouts hat, the fabric gave away like it was waiting to be destroyed as my heart beat a  
little faster.

Without a thought I placed the blade in the center of my wrist, starting at the palm, and drug it down, I'd never cut that way, and I never knew why I hadn't it as the best feeling I had felt in a while. I sighed heavily and smiled as droplets of blood pooled into each other to form a thin line, that started slowly descending down across my wrist. I copied the movement on the other hand, smiling as it had the same affect and leaned back on the bed for a second I felt like I was floating in mid air, enjoying the room slightly spinning before I laughed lightly and passed out.

Then it was saturday, visiting day and I was sitting on the couch in the gameroom, looking out the window. Ash was across from me in a blue chair, asking me yes or no questions then he noticed me staring out the window and said quietly "Moms not coming Jo... She had... Shes working. The hospital bills... They're, alot and our insurance wont pay because, well because its self-inflicted." he said with a sad look in his eyes.I froze, my hand stopped strumming the seat, I felt cold. I ran to the restroom. But, the nornal reatroom was locked so I bolted to to the visitors restroom. I hit the wall in fruatration as she realized this restroom had only an air-dry station. "damn it all to hell" I said quietly sliding down  
the wall and using my nails to re-open old wounds.*

I clutched the blanket closer, whispering "I'm sorry daddy" into my pillow. And stroked the already healing shallow cuts and fell asleep.


	4. aint no rest for the wicked

Thursday morning Kaz woke up on the floor, half under the bed. She looked at the clock and the hands told her it was 3:20 a.m and she stumbled to the bathroom, splashed cold water on her face and looked in the mirror, "Gods I look like hell" she whispered to herself before running her brush through her brown and faded-blue streaked hair and walked back into the room, made her bed, flipped her mp3 player on. She plugged it into her watercolor speakers and turned it up, just enough so she can hear it but not wake Jimy up. She sat on her bed, crossed her legs and kept brushing her hair in the near-darkness. Keeping quiet as to not alert the attendant that she woke up, because if Missouri knew she was awake she would give her a sleeping pill. She didn't want to have to take pills, especially those, noone wanted those. Not even the druggies.

There were rules here, for things you were allowed to have. They were more lenient here then other places, Kaz knew from what Jimy had told her about other places. Here they let them have their music, some things from home that reminded them they had somewhere else to be and getting better would be the best thing, like a blanket or a bear or a scrapbook they limited it to four items per guest and you were able to have them once you reached level two. Kaz had her mp3 player, her speakers and her blanket, one that her mother had brought her when she was younger, it was a blanket she brought home from one of the places she worked, a dialysis clinic. she still remembered the day.

*A little girl she knew there had given it back to them when her own mother had died. The girl had claimed it wasn't rightfully hers since it was sent to them as a gift of thanks for her mother being there for ten years. By that time it had already been used by the 13 year old for two years, but when her mother died she no longer felt it had been hers and her moms boss said to just take it home. It was wool, on the back with a green and blue pattern stitched on the front, with white wool edges. Her mother, Mary, had thought of her before her two bickering older brothers.* She loved it, and silently  
thanked the girl for giving it back, even though she was eight when her mother had given it to her it was only when she was ten that she really knew why the girl had given it back... that year her mother had died in a car crash coming to get her from a friends sleepover... three years later her dad had gone missing, without a word he left his house and everything to the boys and just, dissapeared.*

There was no way she was going to be able to fall asleep, she should try, it was her turn to talk to Meg about her problems thursdays, were definatly a busy day for Kaz, she'd go to breakfast, talk to Meg, go help the attendant grab supplies for study hall(she didnt have to, but she liked having something to do), then go to group, then lunch, then for a run around the enclosed court yard(she does that tuesdays and thursdays as suggested by Meg to help with anxiety) then shower and spend the rest of the day in her room writing letters to Dean and Sam with her felt-tip pen while jimy drew in his notepad. She sighed, braided her hair to the left side, closing her eyes as the sound of cage the elephants' Ain't No Rest For The Wicked came through the speakers, she laughed lightly at the irony. Trying to will herself to sleep, but she knew it wouldn't happen.

Jimy woke up early to make sure she had breakfast, because he knew she wouldn't eat otherwise. Kaz got dressed and let Jimy put various food onto her plate the only thing she protested was the eggs. she hated plain eggs. "Hey, look I guess they got your memo kitty.!" Jimy said putting a sausage bisquit on both of their plates. She smiled to herself. 'Maybe today wont be so bad.' she thought as she sat down. Jimy traded her eggs for his sausage bisquit and they were both done eating faster then ususal. Kaz sighed. "Ready to go talk to the doctor?" Jimy asked before finishing his orange juice. Kaz sighed again. "Hell no. She always tries to get me to talk about things I don't want to." Jimy rolled his eyes. "That's the point Kaz." Kaz didnt say anything she just got up and put her tray on the escalator by Miranda, (she was there to monitor the food that the girls with eating problems ate) and walked out, Jimy followed and walked her to the door. "Hope it goes well, good luck I'll be waiting in the gameroom if it doesn't. If not see you in group" Jimy said before giving her a light hug and walking to the gameroom. Kaz rolled her eyes. 'lUck. sure.' thats what she needed.

Kaz went to open the door like usual, but heard Meg on the phone. She was going to turn away but then she heard her say "Mrs Harvelle, no it's not that we dont WANT to help her... she just won't talk... if she wont talk we cant help." Kaz froze,and frowned. Jo may not be close to her, but they knew each other since they were kids... she wanted to see Jo get better. "Yes, thats... of course i will let you let her know. okay, you can come in anytime this morning until nine or after three. okay, thank you for understanding. goodbye." She heard the doctor sigh and the click of the phone. she waited a minute, then went in like she hadn't heard anything.

"Hello Kaz" Meg said across her desk, smiling. "Ready to talk?" Kaz just sat down. "About?" "Well, we haven't talked about your family in a while..."she suggested. Kaz sighed, she knew she wanted her to talk about her family first, it would always lead to letting something extremely hard through. She had no intention of doing that today. "Well, what do you want to know that I haven't told you?" she said, knowing full well that it would annoy Meg. At this point she really couldnt care. "Hmm... well, what about that road trip you took with Dean and Sam? the one to Texas." she said. Kaz nearly choked her.  
How could she know about that trip? She never told her about that trip. That was the trip that she had started her 'designs' on. It was the one right after her Dad went missing. The one where she first had her reflection talk her into cutting herself after she woke up her own hotel room, in dallas texas, sweating after an intense nighmare.

*-Kaz looked down and saw the dagger in her hand, confused... her dad was being held up in a cell, tied to an old army cot held against a wall with thick chains and she was torturing him... and she liked it. she wanted to stop. He was begging and there were tears down his face, falling into his bloodied beard and he was trying to untie himself, but everytime he did the ropes just got tighter. "Please, Kaz, babygirl don't... stop" she had had enough, she shoved the knife into his abdomen up to the hilt and when he had screamed she woke up.- she woke up gasping for air and clutching her favorite thing in the world, her blanket. she stumbled to the bathroom and looked through the mirror. she was still groggy and had felt really bad... for more than one reason.

Earlier that night she had snuck out, picked the lock to the back of an old liquor store in town and stolen a bottle of vodka. 'never again' she vowed as she splashed her face with water, then she looked up and the face in the mirror was smiling at her. She tilted her head in confusion and watched as her reflection spoke practically yelling. "It's your fault she's dead, you know if you hadn't insisted that you go to that rediculous sleepover instead of being a good kid and staying home she wouldn't have been so tired. It's your fault dad left too. its all you fault. You should just drink acid and die. not like anyone wants you here anyway." she stumbled away terrified, her own laughter was in her. It was hers... but it was laced with evil... tainted with hate and she was terrified, she tripped over the bedside table, knocking over the bottle and it falls to the floor, her falling on it with her left side. she cried out in pain and about ten seconds later her door flew open.

"Kaz? Kaz are you.. is that..." she groaned and Dean moved the glass he could away with his foot, layed her on the bed on her side and started picking glass out of her as Sam went to get the medical kit from the car. Sometime through that she had passed out, dreamlessly, thank the gods. An hour and a half later she lay there, numb as Sam Picked up the pieces and Dean sat on the bed holding her, careful of the stitches he'd fast learned to sew a few years ago when he and Sam would go bar hopping for extra cash. Sam leaned in and kissed her on the forehead, set a glass of water in her hands and a pill bottle on the bedside table before leaving to their room quietly. Sam was usually the one to talk to her, but apparently tonight it wasn't his obligation.

"Kaz..." Dean said quietly, looking at her worried. "What happened?" he questioned while rubbing her arm.

"I..." she began, but she couldn't finish the sentence... "Okay...Okay baby steps..." Dean sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, he was only twenty and Kaz knew he deserved better than taking care of her and Sam and dealing with it all. Dad shouldn't have left... "I'm sorry." she sobbed out. Dean shook his head. "It's okay Kaz... just... think you can tell me what happened?" She couldn't form it into words... so she shook her head. "okay... welll... " He looked exhausted... his eyebrows were knitted almost fully together, his usual cocky grin was gone and the air of confidence he usually had was gone.  
Kaz decided to sip her water until it was gone while he looked down at her. She had been the most observant kid he ever knew and the perfect combination of their parents. She had her moms-and Sam's- eyes and smile, her dads toughness, those rediculous freckles similar to Deans, Sam's brains and hair the same color of Sam's, just like their grandmothers. Since the day she was born he felt he needed to protect her, from eveything. He knew Sam would be closer, but he would protect them  
both from anything. Kaz never really knew this, but he made it clear in his actions tonight that he just wanted to help. So she swallowed and told him about her nightmares. Told him how liquor sometimes helps to avoid her dreams of killing their parents over and over again... he sat there with a concerned face and a deep frown through the story and then she stopped and shuttered. She didnt tell him about the reflection... or the voices...

"Is that all.?" he asked. she sighed and shook her head, he cared and she knew what she needed to do, she had to tell him. "I... You remember that episode of Criminal Minds we saw last month? The one where the guy was heaing 'voices' and his reflection was telling him to kill?" he looked shocked. Kaz retraced "It's not.. im not going to kill anyone.! I... I just hear voices... well, my voice... explaining how the reason they're dead is me... and how I should just... kill myself" she flinched and whispered the last words. Dean still heard them. "Kaz... " He sat up straighter and put his hands on her shoulders "Its not your fault... dad's... not dead he's just missing... and I swear to you that-He motioned to the broken  
vodka bottle in the trasH - will not help, believe me... I've tried I drank until I saw nothing and woke up and repeated it for months when dad first left, you know that..." he stumbled over his words and she shook her head. "I remember, I'm sorry that I... I worried you" she felt so guilty... the tears started again and she felt him hug her close. "Kaz, it's okay... really i'm just worried about you... you need to see that it's NOT your fault. none of it is... and... I think you need to see someone about the voices." Kaz nodded, still crying and pulled away. "Okay. AFTER we finish our trip." she said. He smiled weakly and wiped her tears off her face. "Alright." he said before reaching in his pocket and pulling out the second keycard for his room and handed it to her. "Come in if you have another dream or... anything." he said, Kaz nodded and crawled under the sheets. He handed her the bottle of tylenol and a can of coke before leaving. She spent the rest of the night watching Resident Evil and running her hand over her stitches... she had contemplated about how it felt now, it was a dull, numb ache and she liked it...*


	5. aint no rest for the wicked pt 2

A/N;okay, i mentioned how study hall went right after group well, that wasn't supposed to be the time. it was originally, but i'd switched it and the older draft had still stayed. actually, study hall is AFTER lunch. sorry if you want to go re-read chapter two, feel free I fixed it.. *holds out arms ready for you to throw things at me.*

"Kaz?" Kaz snapped out of her flashback and stared at the doctor. "Sorry doctor masters... "she began "Meg, call me Meg... care to tell me why your brother suggested I talk to you about that night? I saw in your file that about a month later you went in for counseling."Kaz felt betrayed... why.. why would he just tell her? She wondered.. then it hit her. He wanted her BETTER, he wanted her home with him and Sam and probably Cas. NORMAL. She sighed and felt the tears welling in her eyes.  
'It's... I... what else is in my file?" she said, looking up into Meg's eyes. "Well, it says that the hallucinations you had were defined around your parents... mostly your father? is that correct? could you tell me about them?" Kaz couldn't breathe for a few seconds... she took in a huge breath and nodded. "Well,I started having a few... uhm... hallucinations? around the time I was little, I saw things that people didnt think were real. and... when my parents died-" Meg cut her off "Your father is not confirmed dead, your brother seems to think he is still alive." Kaz shook her head "Dean has always thought better... but i'm not so sure... anyway uhm... I haven't uh had hallucinations with these medicines... and uh... I had a few nightmares but they were when I uh... took something to sleep." "so, you have trouble sleeping other nights?" kaz nodded.

Meg wrote a few minutes in her folder "well, miss winchester... it looks like our time's up, but If you want to continue talking later, come see me tomorrow around noon, i'll be here and also, I want to talk to you soon about your trouble sleeping, I think we can figure out what to do about that also." Meg said, getting up and walking to the door. She turned around as Kaz got up and walked to her. Meg put a hand on her shoulder "Hun, remember that you're here to get better and work on things... and i've given you permission with the office to use the phones anytime from seven am until you go to group at nine, Use it wisely and don't forget your plans." Kaz smiled and nodded. "Thank you." Meg opened the door and she walked out leaving Meg to her own things in the office. Kaz walked over to the attendant desk. Ruby smiled over at her as she stepped out of the door on the other side, her gold necklace with a red stone glistening the way Kaz found a little mesmerizing. "Hey kaz, I hear you get to use the phone today, If you want i'll get the supplies myself today." Kaz smiled and shook her head. "I'll help, I need to think some stuff through but i'll run to call my brother the second we're done." she explained. Ruby nodded and they walked to the closet and the piled things onto the cart to take to different places. It was quiet, Ruby talked about her day, about her daughter Gemma and her new puppy that has apparently been driving her crazy. Kaz smiled and nodded and gave short opinions all while thinking about what to talk to her brother about.

Kaz walked into the gameroom and found Jimy sitting on the couch playing cards with Caleb. Caleb was a pretty cute guy you'd probably think he belongs on a Soccer (Futbol) field somewhere,in stead of here at Ocean Trees what with his almost-tan skin dark grey eyes and blonde hair. Not to mention he's always in a pair of sports shorts and a white shirt under a -different color according to day- mesh shirt. If Kaz wasnt already in an arrangement with dean to not deal with 'idiot' guys until she's better, shed have went after him a while ago. When she walked up to the couch they both looked up and Caleb smiled at her"Hey kitty.! no run today?" Jimy asked looking up at her from the cards. Kaz smiled and shook her head. "Meg gave me phone privileges, I was just coming in to tell you before I go call Dean" Kaz said smiling. Jimy jumped up and hugged her. "Awesome. Who's Dean?" Caleb said looking confused. Jimy let go and rolled his eyes "Dean's my older brother, I have a feeling the only reason she is letting me is to bribe me into talking more, and Dean is the one who can talk me into doing pretty much anything. he's the reason I'm here without kicking and screaming and being locked in a padded cell the entire time." Kaz explained.

Jimy shuffled and Caleb shook his head. "cool" he said picking up his cards. Jimy looked up from his with a smirk on his face "You gunna call big bro or are you going to stay here and be lame with us?" Kaz laughed. "bye guys" she said before walking to the snack machines swiping her card -each member gets a card with enough money for a snack and a soda a day; aside from the eating disorder 'guests' who have to ask because they log each of their food intakes- and getting a can of  
coke and taking a drink before heading to the attendant desk. Ruby looked up as she reached for the phone's sign-in and out- sheet. "Good luck" she said as Kaz walked to the other side of the attendant desk where they have small almost sound-proof sections where with a phone sitting on a desk and a chair. Kaz went to the one furthest to the rest of the place. she closed the door and sighed, turned the chair backwards, put her soda on the desk, picked up the reciever and dialed the  
number to Dean's auto shop. It rang three times before she heard the not-so-delicate tone of her brother's voice on the other end. "Winchester Auto what can i help you with.?" Kaz smiled before answering. "I need a 40 and a stack of dirty mags" she said holding back laughter.  
"KAZ.?! Hey, I've been waiting for you to call. how's Crazyville.?"  
Kaz rolled her eyes"that's not funny Dean."  
he laughed "Aw, c'mon it's a little funny." he said, before she heard him pop the top on something and start drinking. "whatever, I hope you're not drinking on the job... i'm sure you being crushed while under a car wouldn't do Sam any good with his future career as a lawyer." she said, joking.  
"Oh, you got jokes huh.? Really, how are you.?." Dean said, Kaz heard AC/DC's Back In Black playing softly in the background and smiled "I'm... fine. Meg says she wants to see me tomorrow to figure out more on my insomnia and stuff." Kaz could practically hear Dean smiling."Awesome. She told me when she called that if you get everything settled, you can be realeased by Thanksgiving." Kaz smiled. It was already September. "Really.?" "Yes really, but you have to tell her everything, they won't believe you're better until they see AND hear that it's all alright." Kaz sighed, of course he was right. "I know, I know. I'm working on it, so, How's Sam.?" She asked trying to change the subject. "Oh.! Sammy's great, Him and this new girl, Jess are getting real close." It worked, feeling accomplished she thought she'd push it "Ahh. That's good. What about you and Cas.?" "Oh, good. Him Gabriel and Anna moved in a few apartments got a puppy from Gabe for his birthday last week and the fucker already decided to eat my good running shoes."Kaz laughed at this, because she remembered Sam telling her he used to have a crush on the younger Novak."Well at least you get to see Cas more." Kaz said looking at the clock."Shit, It's eight fifty-six.! I have four minutes until group.""Oh, okay so you have to go right. Well, call me whenever I'll be here at six every morning til at least five, i'm not sure what your time is, but call whenever, if not you can reach me on my cell." Kaz downed the rest of her Coke before answering "yeah, I can talk anywhere from seven to nine unless I have one on one counseling." she said, swirling the bottom of the can on the table and then tossing it in the trash as Dean said. "Oh, well. anytime you can call me kiddo. sams working at his school stuff, but I bet he'd want to hear from our baby sister too." Kaz rolled her eyes. "hint taken. i'll call him tomorrow. gotta go bye." she said, hanging up and pretty much running to group. She sat down by Jimy, and caleb had moved over from his other seat. he smiled at her, but she just reached in and got her headphones out, Hurt, by thousand foot crutch came on as everyone was getting situated in the time it took doctor D to sit down, so did everyone else. Kaz looked at jo and saw new bandages on her hands and wrists, and a band-aid fresh on her upper arm. Kaz resisted the urge to hug her as jo folded her arms and looked down.

"So, guys, anyone feel like sharing anything.?" Doctor D said, tapping his pen and looking around.  
I felt terrible. In my head that is, my body felt pretty great, almost like floating. I looked at the bandages, I didnt remember much of anything, when they first brought Me down from her high from the meds, except her mother coming to see her, whitch was odd. Then as they esccorted her to her room, something felt odd, yet I still couldnt place it. then I was being taken down to group... and now I sat as everyone around Me shared glances, looking at the bandages. hinestly, I couldnt care anymore. I dont deserve the help, it's only costing mom more pain. I was planned to end it tonight. end it all so mom and ash wouldnt have to work so hard. maybe... then maybe I could see dad again.  
"and, then I actually ate a banana, a whole one... without even getting sick.!" jess said, excited while tara sat back, looking bored everyone clapped and I jumped a bit the clapping brought me.  
"I think Kaz has some news." Jimy said, nudging her. I looked at kaz and she smiled. It was kind of infectious, I almost smiled back. ALMOST. "well-" she said, smiling. "I have uhm, I got phone priveleges. and, if I keep going... i'll be out in time to eat thanksgiving dinner with my bros." she said. good, i thought. dean must really miss her. she'd know their family for as long as she could remember. now it was like they were extended family, long overdrawn, but family. truth be told she sort of missed them. "Yeah, and probably my family too while i rot here." I jumped, lucifer was sitting beside me, I hadn't even seen him move from two chairs over. Kaz had rolled her eyes. "Well, I bet if you stopped being so angry about it all, they'd let you out so you could be there too." I saw lucifer shake his head out of the corner of my eye, but he didn't say anything. there was a conjoined sigh from nearly everyone in the group, i just sat there, watching him out of my eyelashes. "I saw jo with her mom today, why wont SHE talk about it with us." Tara said. I flinched and tried to make myself invisible. Hell, even being locked a dirty coffin with some psycho murderer ghost seemed more appealing than having everyone look at me like this. next thing i knew I was on the floor.

"Jo, JO... are you okay.?" My head hurt, and i didn't want to open my eyes. eventually I felt someone press a cool wet towel on my face and i aquinted my eyes open and saw kaz, lucifer and doctor d standing over me. "Jo, can you stand up.? we need to get you to the clinic." dotor d was saying. from the corner of my eye i saw tara being escorted out by jimy, jess caleb and austin. I let out a breath i wasnt even sure i was holding in and I squeezed kaz' hand, hoping she would get the message. kas gently helped me sit up and she and lucifer walked me to the clinic where I was given another shot of something.

I woke up and it was passed three, Kaz was still there, sitting on the stool beside the bed listening to something that sounded vaguely like aerosmith, but i couldnt be sure. she looked over and paused her music player. "Hey, jo you okay." I looked around but didn't give her a response. She chuckled lightly. "you've been out a while. I stayed here, becase, well I was worried. and, I wanted to tell you i'm sorry about everything. I heard meg tell your mom on the phone earlier. in case your wondering, you had a severe panick attack and passed out. lucky though, you got some really awesoome meds." classic kaz i thought, always ending in a joke. I felt bad that she'd stayed here so long. "Here, this is your lunch. made sure they saved you something." kaz said, placing a tray with a bologna and lettuce sandwitch, a green jello and a tea on it on my lap. Then i even felt guiltier, it was passed three. usually theyd be at study hall, she didnt want to get her in trouble. "oh, dont worry, i finished my work here. i'll leave you to it in a bit, but i wanted to make sure you woke up. you're mom came by and i told her it was under control." I felt sick. I didnt deserve this, before i knew it tears were running down my cheeks, angry and full of hate for myself. laz squeezed my shoulder and i focused on stopping, when i dried my face the head pain was back a bit and kaz was still there, a nurse came up and handed me pills with a stern "eat when you take those." then kaz told the nurse to call mom and tell her i was awake and okay. I kaz watched me eat in silence for a while, then had to go. she hugged me and told me it would be okay soon and that no matter what, angels were watching over me. that last part sounded weird coming from her but i was already feeling the effects of the medicine and drifted off into unconciousness.


End file.
